DATING AND MATING WHEN YOU ARE OVER FIFTY
In my many years of coaching people through the downs and ups of dating, I’ve developed a few useful and successful tips:
-Forget the idea of dating as a romantic expedition. It really is a shopping task with an end goal. However, the end goal is NOT marriage, but rather getting out and finding someone who is a good match for you. Then, if you want to go the next step, marriage can be explored. You are seeking an appropriate life sustaining product, not a fly by night experience. So focus on what you want.
-Remember that you are a catch. The scars and smiles of your years have brought you new and different qualities than when you were young. Perhaps it’s your love of your children or grandchildren, your cooking, your business success, your golf game, your sense of humor, the musical instrument you play, the knowledge you’ve gained from travel or your different and possibly fuller sense of sensuality than when you were young? List the five best things about you and remember to look at them.
-Be realistic about yourself, including your paths not taken. Everyone else your age has had mishaps and successes too. There are no perfect Queens or Kings. Look for someone who has basic qualities that you respect and admire. And a good sexual connection is always a plus.
-Tell everyone you can think of that you are “shopping” and assure them that their task is solely to fix you up and that they are not responsible for any outcome. This is no time to be shy or proud. Keeping your desire secret leaves others unable to help you. And this is an outing that is too hard to do alone.
-Know where to go to look. If you are a museum lover, go to museums, a cyclist, cycle, a golfer, golf, a church-goer, church. The trick is to get out and about. It is next to impossible for Mr. or Ms. Charming to knock on your door if they don’t know where you live.
-If you have a dating buddy of either sex, learn how to help each other. Going out with a trusted friend makes the inevitable waiting around potentially embarrassing social moments easier. Decide how you will handle it if one of you meets someone interesting in advance. You and your dating buddy need each other and are too important to be treated disrespectfully or carelessly. Decide your mutual ground rules before you venture on your treasure hunt.
-When you meet someone be aware of negative and positive cues. Do they call when they say they do? Or do you call when you say you will? Are they living in the past? Are they just out of a marriage and still too wounded to risk a new intimate relationship? Pay attention to your gut as well as your head. If someone doesn’t “feel” right or doesn’t seem worth seeing again, ask your self “Why? And make sure you can figure out the reasons. Is it you or is it them? Talk to a trusted friend. They may have a more accurate perception than you do.
-As to all the new ways of dating, learn how to use them with care. I am a proponent of net dating and many of the other more recent ways that have developed for singles to meet. It may be a new age (old-fashioned) match maker or just lunch, a four or ten minute round robin or a special singles event. However, for most Sages, the new ways are so untried and therefore foreign that they need explaining. Check back next week for more ideas, information and hints on how to handle the new ways of dating.
You might just find your special mate.
posted by Dr. Dorree Lynn @ 9:36 AM
2 comments
2 Comments:
On Dating Over Fifty...
I am 57, and on March 25, my husband of 29 yrs. died after being horribly ill for 15 years, and mostly wheelchair bound for 5 years. He chose to discontinue his dialysis treatments. I have cared for him daily, with some assistance of up to, but never over 40 hrs. per week. That left me with 18 hrs. per day, and full weekends of nursing and caring for him. On what he had planned as his last dialysis treatment, 1 hr. into his 4 hr. treatment, his blood pressure dropped radically, and he became unresponsive. He was rushed to our local E.R. by ambulance, and I was at the hospital before he was brought in. I had all my legal papers in hand, the DNR orders, the "Do Not Admit", and the legal Medical Power of Attorney. Because of this, I was allowed to bring him home. He had regained conciousness, and I was allowed, by the nurses, to remove the huge dialysis needles from his arm, and clamp the gauze with my hand and a gauze pad, to cause his blood to clot, and stop flowing from the two sites. I rode to our home via ambulance with him, and helped the EMT's place him into his bed. For 10 days he faded, until on March 25th, he passed away. My son, who had had a somewhat shaky relationship with him, was with him at the moment of his death. His last words to me were "I love you", and his last words to his stepson were "I love you, son." He responded by saying "I love you too, Dad". My son came to me calmly, about 10 minutes later, and he said, "Mom, I think you need to come check him. I think he has died." I, also calmly, was able to check for blood pressure and pulses. There were none. My dearest husband had died. I called Hospice, and the nurse came and verified the time of death. Repeatedly, during the last years of his life, he and I grieved the impotence which he suffered those last 12 years of his life. Even the new drugs were forbidden to him, due to heart problems. He insisted I promised him that I would not die when he did. He begged me to assure him I would find a good man to love and to whom I could give my life. A very fine gentleman we both knew let it be known to me that he would be interested when I had recovered to the point of starting forward with my life. I let him know only 2 weeks after my husband's death that I was ready. After a few phone calls, in which I had to reassure him of the promises I had made, at the request of my husband, we had lunch, and then a date. Last night, we went to a motel for a few hours, and I was able to, once again, enjoy the fulfillment sex can bring to even those of us over 50. I feel wonderful today because I know this was my husband's wish, that I can take whatever life may bring my way, and tastefully and carefully, enjoy each day of it. Two nights before my husband's death, I laid in his hospital bed with him, and held him as his life trickled away in a horrible death which we had prepared each other for, and I now have laid in the arms of another, and enjoyed the glory of my womaness and my sexuality. In most cases, recovery is a lot longer than mine. With the help of Hospice, psychotherapy, and a strong support group of friends and family, I was prepared for this eventuality. I urge each of you to prepare all legalities while you are able. We had even arranged pre-paid funeral plans and all the Power of Attorneys. All paperwork necessary was done while he was healthy and capable.
Then, I recommend that you go with a new look, new hairdo, and some new wardrobe additions. Never leave home unless you are as well groomed as you can be. Look everyone in the eye, give them a shining smile, and a reassuring attitude, and carry yourself sraight and step forward with faith and dignity. You are somebody special, and if you know everyday when you wake you will face the day confidently, with a smile, you can do it. Everyday is a gift, and you need to treat it as such. Maybe the one in line behind you will notice your fragrance, or your shoes, or your hair. Confidence is the key. Never droop, frown, or complain, except in private, and then only until you can find a reason to smile and laugh. Get into groups, and volunteer, attend church... whatever, but do not sit home alone. There is someone there for you, and they are searching for you, their special someone. Remember, you ARE special, you ARE someone. And your local city or county health agency will discuss with you all your questions about today's sexual dangers and safety practices. Do not be afraid or embarassed to prepare yourself for a new start.There is life after 50, and it is yours for the taking.
Thank you. Your story touched my heart and I agree with you.
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