Fair Feather Friends

As a psychologist I spend my life helping people deal with themselves and their relationships. A major issue for most people is friendship. As soon as one opens ones self to a relationship, one is open to being hurt. If your friend hurts you, do you revenge your friend or forgive him? If Harry
Whittington lives, and we all hope he does, that is a question he will face. Not only did Dick Cheney hurt Harry Whittington physically, but we may assume that Mr. Whittington has also been hurt emotionally. Thus, somewhere in the recesses of Mr. Whittington's being he will wrestle with a fundamental question. Will he forgive Dick
Cheney for hurting him in what appears to be an accident? Or, will he secretly harbor feelings of ill will or even revenge? Many psychologists believe an accident may have underlying motivations or be symbolic of unsteadiness or attention diverted. I wish Henry Whittington a speedy recovery. But once he is well, what will torment him in the middle of the night? I am sure that the public will never know his dark daemons. But I wonder, will Dick and Henry ever again be Fair Feather Friends?

Pre-Nuptial Agreements: Good or Bad for Marriage?

A pre-nup is an old idea made new. Prior to the industrial revolution which produced greater mobility and the ability for couples to move away from small town life and prior to the advent of first the suffragette movement and the women’s liberation movement of the 1960’s laws existed to codify marriage and often to financially protect a woman. No-fault divorce didn’t exist and adultery was the primary reason accepted to nullify a marriage.

Up until the nineteenth century marriages among the rich and celebrated were often contractual arrangements merging royalty, family, territory and even countries. The idea of love as a reason to wed was left to those who could afford it-the middle and lower class. Even then, the notion of marriage for love was a rarity. Women came to the marriage bed with dowries and men came with obligations to care take care of their wives. For ages many marriages were more contractual than romantic. Marriage for love is actually a fairly modern idea.

In the last five to ten years we have been inundated with information about celebrity pre-nups. This makes sense as celebrities are our new royalty and Americans tend to devour information about every piece of minutia surrounding their lives. Celebrities have money and fame and enough disposable income so that they may often dispose of each other as quickly as they may purchase their latest Prada or Moo Roo hand bag or toss their “ Mac Mansion” on market. Given the reality of their fungible lifestyle pre-nuptial agreements make sense.

However in my over fifty generation pre-nups are also becoming more popular whether or not one is of celebrity status. The image of a perfect home with a white picket fence containing a mother, father and 2.5 children is long gone. Lawyers estimate that the number of couples in the past five years that have drawn up pre-nups has gone up 50 percent. The best guess is that 5 to 10 percent of couples getting married the first time sign them and 20 percent of those in second marriages get them. So pre-nups are on the rise.

In my experience as a psychologist a general rule of thumb is that how you get married is how the marriage will go and if there is a divorce that axiom holds true as well. So does this make having a pre-nup good or bad? Well, as with much of life, it depends. For those who are afraid of marriage, have children from a prior relationship, come with significant assets or who have been badly burned in love, a pre-nup may help get them to the alter. For those who are only interested in materialism, it certainly doesn’t bode well for love. Consider your purpose and do what is best for you. However, as with all money matters, sit up while discussing them with your beloved. A lover's bed is no place for unbidden strife.

New Boobs,Saggy Skin and Donna Karen

Fashion over fifty can get complex. Am I dressing too old, too young or just right is a question that both woman and men often ask themselves. Is my skirt too short? Is that shirt I picked up in Italy 20 years ago that I love still in style and does it really fit over my bulging belly? What is hip, chic, stylish and comfortable? Does the outfit work for me in my life style? We have just gone through the annual fashion runway shows. A quick suggestion. If you are fashion conscious and know which designers are showing this year, take a look at Donna Karen. Her styles continue to suit all ages. Her clothes are geared towards the busy working woman and capture their need for class and comfort. Once all American classic Ralph Lauren’s clothes have gotten to look as if you need a horse to go with your outfit. Pass him over for Donna or a less expensive Donna Knock off. And as for the younger, hipper, flashier designers, if that’s your look, go with it. But be careful. If it’s new boobs you are showing off, make sure you understand that most “hip” fellow diners will know they didn’t used to be yours. And watch the chicken wings under your arms. Decide if they belong in the barnyard or if you really don’t mind that extra wiggle every time you shake someone’s hand. Unless you’ve worked out more than most of us, your body isn’t as tight as it once. Be proud of your body, it’s carried you far. But do, please do, consider whether or not you are ready to display your saggy skin in a dress made for a twenty something streamlined figure.

If you have found new clothes and new designers, let me and those of us at FiftyandFurthermore.com know.

Dr. Dorree Lynn

This is why FiftyandFurthermore exists

www.FiftyandFurthermore.com

Part of our site’s mission statement is below. My staff and I worked long and hard to express our reason for being. The message, of course, stems from me. I knew society was going in a wrong direction. It seemed a no brainer. All I had to do was listen to my clients. Those who were hip and happy lived better and probably longer. Those who were depressed often didn’t want to live at all. Our society has gotten so scientifically study oriented that plain old common sense isn’t very common any more. Of course Attitudes About Aging Affect Longevity. They also affect self esteem, one’s sense of personal power and the ability to have fun. So when I found this study, I wondered why more people didn’t understand what I did. Have we really become a society that needs studies to tell us basic human truths. That’s one reason I write what I write- to remind people that they know more than they think they know and to learn to trust their own truths. Speak out about what you know. Society may just happen to catch up with you.

Dr. Dorree Lynn's FiftyandFurthermore.com has made its mission to show that growing older can be a time for creative and passionate living. FiftyandFurthermore.com is a site for… anyone who believes that the years ahead, though they may call us to new paths, can be the best ones yet.

Here’s excerpts from the study the study that tells us what we already know.

Attitude About Aging May Affect Longevity
by Amy Scholten, MPH

Browse through birthday cards at almost any card shop and you’ll get the message, even if it’s delivered in the spirit of humor. Getting older is a negative experience. In birthday cards for those turning 50, 40, and even as young as 30, you’ll see jokes about lost memory, wrinkles, sagging, senility, declining sexual ability, dentures, and immobilization to name a few.
Whether you’re young, middle-aged, or old, it’s difficult to escape negative stereotypes about aging in our society. What many people don’t realize is that they unconsciously accept these stereotypes decades before becoming old, without questioning their validity. When they reach old age, the stereotypes become self-relevant—something that might actually have an impact on how long they live.
Researchers Look at the Effect of Attitude
A study published in the August 2002 issue of the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology suggests that a person’s attitude about aging can have a significant impact on how long they live, or their longevity. The study involved 660 adults aged 50 and older from an Ohio community who participated in a community-based survey, the Ohio Longitudinal Study of Aging and Retirement (OLSAR).
The researchers measured attitude toward aging and longevity, as well as the following:
· Age, gender, race, and socioeconomic status (years of education and occupational status)
· Functional health (what the person is physically able to do)
· Self-rated health (“Is your health improving, declining, or remaining about the same?”), assessed with the Health Scale for the Aged
· Loneliness
· Attitude Toward Aging
Attitude toward aging was measured with the Attitude Toward Own Aging subscale, which measured whether or not subjects agreed or disagreed with statements such as:
· “Things keep getting worse as I get older.”
· “I have as much pep as I did last year.”
· “As you get older, you are less useful.”
· “I am as happy now as I was when I was younger.”
· “As I get older, things are (better, worse, or the same) as I thought they would be.”
Longevity
Longevity was measured with data obtained from The National Death Index (NDI). NDI tracked participant survival from the baseline interview in 1975 to January 1, 1998.
Results
The study found that people who had a positive attitude about their own aging lived an average of 7.5 years longer than those who had more negative attitudes. In this study, a positive attitude toward aging had a greater impact on survival than age, gender, socioeconomic status, loneliness, and functional health—all factors that were controlled for in the study. A positive attitude toward aging also seemed to favorably influence longevity more than low systolic blood pressure and cholesterol levels, lack of smoking, healthy body weight, and exercise.
RESOURCES:
Alliance for Aging Researchhttp://www.agingresearch.org/
The National Institute on Aginghttp://www.nia.nih.gov
Sources:
Levy BR, Slade MD, Kunkel SR, et al. Longevity increased by positive self-perceptions of aging. J. Personality and Social Psychology. 2002;83:261-270.
Crocker J, Major B, Steele C. The Handbook of Social Psychology. McGraw-Hill Publishing, 1998.

Aging Gracefully is a Silly Term

Aging Gracefully is the new Politically Correct (PC) term for how Boomers are supposed to fluidly dance into their twilight years. To my surprise the term has been picked up and embraced my none other than Oprah, our current icon of what’s in, Time Magazine, and most others magazines and books in the process of sending out feelers about what will work as they both try to lure and to address those FiftyandFurthermore. In my view the term Aging Gracefully is simply all wrong.

The term connotes the scene of a perfect pas de deux or jette or football tossed multiple yards to the receiver who effortlessly turns and steps into the end zone for a touch down. Or, perhaps the ideal homerun, beautifully played symphonic piece, chess match easily won, or evening gown made by a loving grandmother for her granddaughter’s prom. All these accomplishments are in fact acts of grace and are to be applauded for being so. However simple appreciation of the final product belies the years of effort, practice, pricked fingers, broken bones and even battle scars that have gone into this final accomplishment.

When I hear people talk or read articles about Aging Gracefully, I cringe with the same sense of false appreciation or promotion of unattainable mythological perfection. The PR message is typical Madison Avenue and therefore not real. In fact, it creates an unattainable standard that guarantees many people will fall short and thus feel inadequate. Yes, a life well lived deserves to be admired. Fifty and Furthermore showcases our Sages for this very reason. We believe that these very different individuals who have lived very different long lives should be honored for their achievements, but even more so, whether in the scheme of things, their achievements impact many or few, they are people who in our opinion stand as role models for those interested in life-long learning and being mentored. I can assure you, none of our Sages, just as no individual who has lived more than half a century has, have gotten to where they are without their share of hard knocks. They do not simply age gracefully appearing as an elder version of Bottecelli’s Venus - calmly out of a clam shell. They become people of substance precisely because they have worked hard, lived long and experienced life fully.

It's a myth to think that the Boomer generation is going to Sage gently and gracefully, eventually to sit on their porches in their rocking chairs telling tales and knitting for their progeny. Let’s get real. These wise elders are people of grace because they have grown into themselves and understand that each of life’s tiny vicissitudes is not monumental. They have learned that love and spirit matter and that it takes a heck of a lot of time and effort to floss twice a day, eat right, exercise, remember to take their medications, keep their doctor’s appointments, and stay in good mental and physical shape. Their grace has been hard won and keeping it is far from easy.

Perhaps the best we can hope for is to age well and for aging well to be good enough. The term (S) Aging Well (my current favorite) connotes many possibilities. It means aging with health, spirit and knowledge to one’s best ability. And the best that one can do may not appear or even be particularly graceful. Aging well means continuing to age as one has lived his or her life; learning, living and doing the best they can. Even more importantly than that, it means believing that the best they can do is good enough.

Aging gracefully? Not me. I will continue to try my best to live as effectively, passionately, productively, serenely and lovingly as I can with the gifts I have been given and the tools that I have mastered. I can only hope that for those around me, my version of aging well will be good enough.