SLEEEP DOES NOT COME

Few people over fifty sleep through-out the night. It may be due to the need for bladder relief, worry, lack of financial security, a sick family member in need of care, personal discomfort, unresolved emotional issues and many other possibilities.

Remedies include going to sleep at the same time nightly, regular exercise, eating well including eliminating caffeine, alcohol and sugar late at night. However, if your eyes won’t stay shut: get quietly out of bed, read, write in a journal, and even use a computer for awhile Lying tossing and turning is not useful and obsessing while you are doing it is an even less productive activity. Then try to return to sleep.

Whatever you reasons, know that you are not alone and that that you will have many bleary eyed buddies the next day. Just ask them. It has become the American norm, especially for those FiftyandFuthermores.

AGE AND THE GAY MARRIAGE BAN

This Week Congress voted down the ban on gay marriage. Of course it’s the only sensible humane thing they could have done. I know many in congress don’t agree. However, for years I have spoken out favor of gay marriage. And for those over fifty same sex relationships between women are ever more common. I have often been asked it this means these women are gay? I laugh and say, “no, they are more practical.” Since we know that women live longer than men and therefore the gene pool of available age mates is unevenly distributed, and that relationships keep people alive, it makes sense that these women turn to each other for nurturance, intimacy, sexual fulfillment and commit to each other with all the downs and ups, rights and responsibilities that marriage brings. Why shouldn't they as well as other same sex partners have equal rights under the law? I have lived all over the world. I have met many who have been willing to interpret God’s word to suit their individual belief system. If there is a loving God or a humane God or a God that wants human beings to love each other, I find it hard to believe that anyone would be or should be banned from loving fully under the law. Since when does religion get to interpret the constitution? And in my view, that is precisely what is happening in America.

DEATH AND LIFE: THE NEW NORMAL

FiftyandFurthermore.com is a site for those in the second half of life, for those who aren't there yet but know someone who is, and for anyone who believes that the years ahead, though they may call us to new paths, can be the best ones yet.


Recently a good friend and colleague in her eighties took me to task stating that she didn’t think FiftyandFurthermore.com valued death and that it lacked an appreciation for its truth. I was stunned at her perception as it is far from my understanding of how life works and from the message I hope FiftyandFurthermore.com conveys. As we dialogued, my colleague began to understand my point of view.

As a psychologist who has spent the major portion of my life dealing with people’s pain, suffering and life challenges, and as someone who has certainly had my own share of lemons to make into lemonade, I well understand life’s underbelly. As I Sage, I am constantly confronted by illness and death. I well know how precious every moment of life is.

Less than two years ago when I wed and shared my own written vows, I started with awareness and a truth that was lodged deeply in my soul. “Time is not our ally,” is how I began. One reason I was willing to wed again was because that knowledge was present with me. I too well understood that I no longer had that fantasy of an infinite future. Every moment needed to be lived fully in the “now” and embraced with the preciousness it deserved. I understood love was not something to be handled carelessly and that if we were to build a future this time round, it had to be accomplished with all the tender care and ceaseless effort we could bring to our relationship. No longer young, the possibility of illness and death had become constant companions.

Sure enough, within less than a year I had a health issue and before our second anniversary my husband faces one as well. So far we are both survivors. Health is not something either of us takes for granted. Every day matters: family, work, play, leaving a legacy, laughter, giving back, mentoring, learning, living, and loving help to keep us alive. I am not invincible, nor are any of us. Life and how we live it matters.

So what does this have to do with Fifty andFurthermore's call to life and facing new challenges? One thing I have learned with my advanced years is that today’s “New Normal” is different from anything we have ever known before. People do not tend to die from the once disaster diseases such as cancer and heart attacks that used to kill quickly. Science’s new breakthroughs and the discovery of new medicines save lives. Many people now survive one illness after another and continue to live productive lives. As my generation lives longer, we need to find new ways to help shape the world so that it can follow our lead and fulfill our needs. We need to be proactive, not reactive and shape the path for our children, grandchildren and great grandchildren - and those who will come after them. This is true in all realms from saving the environment to housing, to recreation, to work, to love, life and fun. We have constant chances for reFIREment and much less use for retirement as it existed less than a decade ago. We must educate the world that over fifty, sixty or ninety no longer carries the aura or stigma of sitting back and waiting to die. We are not to be put on an ice floe and ignored. In fact it is our task to lead.

I have always liked Dylan Thomas’s poem, “And Death shall have no dominion…” for it means the alternative is to live. To a large degree, life circumstances and attitude reflect how we can continue to live fully. Death is not to be ignored, it is to be acknowledged. Once we acknowledge our darkest moments, once we name our issues, it is easier to work backwards to the light. Fifty and Furthermore was established not to deny death. But rather to acknowledge that because death can visit any one of us in a flash, the most important challenge is to live fully, reach out to others, build community, give back to the world, remain as active as we can, and to love.

With these tenets, the years ahead, though they may call us to new paths, can be the best ones yet.

DEPRESSION AND MEDICATION

Any therapist who understands people knows that there are no magic pellets when it comes to getting through life’s hard times. Whether or not we like to believe it, drugs help, but don’t cure. People are not merely an amalgamation of synapses. They remain greater than the sum of their parts. Mood medications may often help. However, so does good talk therapy and often a combination of both works the best. Meds may open the door so that clients can walk through their dark spaces and learn new tools to cope with their feelings and with life. The study stating drugs don't cure everyone is no surprise to any of us who have worked with people over time. I want to scream from the rooftops; “Perhaps there’s a chance of sanity yet.” We are not machines. We have souls. Let us learn to get through hard times, endure pain and come out the other side. Below is a fragment from a recent study that proves my point of view.

Antidepressants fail to cure the symptoms of major depression in half of all patients with the disease even if they receive the best possible care, according to a definitive government study released in March.

“Significant numbers of patients continue to experience symptoms such as sadness, low energy and hopelessness after intensive treatment, even as about an equal number report an end to such problems -- a result that quickly lent itself to interpretations that the glass was either half empty or half full.”
Human beings are born with predispositions towards ways of seeing and being in life. Evolution and environment remain influential in an individual’s development. How long will we continue to argue this already settled point?