WOMEN AND MEN: THE NEED FOR ROLE REVERSAL

Lately I’ve been thinking about how underneath the thin veneer of the changes in society since I was young, some things really haven’t changed at all. As I look at all the self help magazines and read the articles, the implication often is that there is something wrong with us. Only, that “something” seems to be focused on women. Most women’s magazines live on a formula of articles about how to improve: diet, exercise, please your man, keep your skin from wrinkling, change in some way that a woman may not have thought needed changing. On the other hand, most men’s magazines are focused on how to achieve more, function better, climb the higher mountain, get somewhere sooner, etc. Of course this is only a generalization and often the differences are subtle. Still, they are there. So, years after women and men supposedly achieved parity, the sometimes sneaky underlying message remains-even for fifty and furthermores-that men are OK and only need tools to achieve more and function better, but woman have to fix themselves. (Usually to please a man.) Men need to achieve and women need to be fixed. Because men and boys often don’t have decent role models and because the structure of schools tends to favor girls over boys, males in our society have a different and as important set of problems. But, they aren’t constantly told they need to be fixed. This media message is wrong. There are tons of reasons women live longer than men, and it’s not because they need fixing. Both sexes could benefit from a message role reversal.

HOW TO STAY IN YOUR OWN HOME AS LONG AS YOU WISH

This evening I had dinner with Dr. Jules Cass and his home helper, Marsha. Dr Cass is a charming alert intelligent man of 91 whose spirit and alertness stands as a beacon for all of us. He has an idea about how to help ageing adults stay in their own homes as long as they wish. In fact he’s developed a protocol and course study to start an entirely new field where trained employee, not aides, are matched with a specific elder employer and they both benefit. This is not your usual companion care stuff. It’s far more complex and regulated. One thing I find so interesting is that Dr. Cass is trying to address the results of studies that show that given a choice most people prefer to remain in their own homes as long as possible. He, and others are developing innovative ways this may be accomplished. . He has kept his interests and joy alive. And still continues to try to change the world. The one thing I can tell you is that Dr. Cass will never be lonely. And in his presence, neither will you.

What other ides do you have to enable you to stay in your home, if possible until you take your last breath?

PUTTING SPIRIT BACK INTO SPIRITUALITY

As we go through life taking care of life’s daily chores, sometimes it’s hard to remember how to keep one’s spirit alive. I have found that true in my own life. I also have found as have many of my peers that as I (S)age, the essence of spirituality has become more important to me.

Some of my peers prefer organized religion, some do not. But most of us find we cherish more quiet reflective time than we used to and that we too often don’t give that gift to ourselves. I think intentionality of action, generousity of sprit, abundance in our actions and the ability to love are qualities that have to do with the spiritual. How do you make time to consider thee traits for your self? Do you say “Yes’ to the positive events in your life and “No” often enough to make time to say “Yes” to what truly matters?

DATING AND MATING WHEN YOU ARE OVER FIFTY

In my many years of coaching people through the downs and ups of dating, I’ve developed a few useful and successful tips:

-Forget the idea of dating as a romantic expedition. It really is a shopping task with an end goal. However, the end goal is NOT marriage, but rather getting out and finding someone who is a good match for you. Then, if you want to go the next step, marriage can be explored. You are seeking an appropriate life sustaining product, not a fly by night experience. So focus on what you want.

-Remember that you are a catch. The scars and smiles of your years have brought you new and different qualities than when you were young. Perhaps it’s your love of your children or grandchildren, your cooking, your business success, your golf game, your sense of humor, the musical instrument you play, the knowledge you’ve gained from travel or your different and possibly fuller sense of sensuality than when you were young? List the five best things about you and remember to look at them.

-Be realistic about yourself, including your paths not taken. Everyone else your age has had mishaps and successes too. There are no perfect Queens or Kings. Look for someone who has basic qualities that you respect and admire. And a good sexual connection is always a plus.

-Tell everyone you can think of that you are “shopping” and assure them that their task is solely to fix you up and that they are not responsible for any outcome. This is no time to be shy or proud. Keeping your desire secret leaves others unable to help you. And this is an outing that is too hard to do alone.

-Know where to go to look. If you are a museum lover, go to museums, a cyclist, cycle, a golfer, golf, a church-goer, church. The trick is to get out and about. It is next to impossible for Mr. or Ms. Charming to knock on your door if they don’t know where you live.

-If you have a dating buddy of either sex, learn how to help each other. Going out with a trusted friend makes the inevitable waiting around potentially embarrassing social moments easier. Decide how you will handle it if one of you meets someone interesting in advance. You and your dating buddy need each other and are too important to be treated disrespectfully or carelessly. Decide your mutual ground rules before you venture on your treasure hunt.

-When you meet someone be aware of negative and positive cues. Do they call when they say they do? Or do you call when you say you will? Are they living in the past? Are they just out of a marriage and still too wounded to risk a new intimate relationship? Pay attention to your gut as well as your head. If someone doesn’t “feel” right or doesn’t seem worth seeing again, ask your self “Why? And make sure you can figure out the reasons. Is it you or is it them? Talk to a trusted friend. They may have a more accurate perception than you do.

-As to all the new ways of dating, learn how to use them with care. I am a proponent of net dating and many of the other more recent ways that have developed for singles to meet. It may be a new age (old-fashioned) match maker or just lunch, a four or ten minute round robin or a special singles event. However, for most Sages, the new ways are so untried and therefore foreign that they need explaining. Check back next week for more ideas, information and hints on how to handle the new ways of dating.
You might just find your special mate.

OVER FIFTY AND DEPRESSED? HERE'S WHAT TO DO

Depression or long term blues makes skies grey and every day seem a difficult task
Talk therapy combined with medication are generally the best antidotes to bring your mood back to smiles. I receive e-mails constantly about how to cope with depression and the depression of a loved one. Read my articles on www.FiftyandFurthermore.com for some suggestions and my advice.

Senior Sex with your Ex

So many seniors are lonely and find themselves tired of self pleasuring or snuggling up into their corner of their double bed-alone. So manyy have gotten divorced but still have decent relationships with their ex. Rather than live a life without sex, or touching. I wonder how many ex spouses might find kindness and caring with each other for a night? Or is that kind of civility too outrageous to consider in today’s PC world?

“ARE WE LIKE SHEEP?” A BRIEF RANT

Today I am angry and on edge. The media keeps telling me I’m supposed to age with grace. But unless one is a Zen master Buddhist priest, consistent grace for most of us mortals -like me-is fleeting. Can’t we stop buying into and listening to the goop we’re fed and start thinking for ourselves?

Wy are we over 50, 60, and 70 so ignored? Why aren’t more of you, of us, leading the way on meaningful issues and values that passionately burn inside us? Passion doesn’t die. Sometimes as we (S) age, we may need more rest. But, fires still burn. Life still matters. Sometimes, I think we are so busy following the well tried cow path that we forget to stray in our own wonderful fields.

Illness is no fun.
Death is no fun.
Poverty is no fun.
War is no fun.
Killing the environment is no fun.
Poor health care and health benefits are no fun.
Increased school drop outs are no fun.
Bankrupting our future is no fun.
Supporting the bible instead of the constitution is no fun.
And politicians who flip with the wind make me ill.

Why isn’t everyone fighting mad about what is happening in America?
Where is our next courageous and honest leadership coming from?
I don’t see it.
Do you?